I honestly don’t know what’s happening. Its hard for me to even type any of this right now because I don’t know how I want to put it into words. This is the best I got so far. Let me just list how I feel:
betrayed, sad, confused, right, guilty….
Actually, that doesn’t even sum up half of my feelings. I don’t know how to express it. Lets just call it “mixed emotions” for now. Trying not to cry and trying not to feel anything as I go on and type this. As many of you know my family is already broken as it is. Due to all the miscommunication and misunderstandings that made our family dysfuctional we become even more apart. It doesn’t feel like a family anymore. My mind has become so fucked up with people telling me things from left and right that I ended up hurting myself. Not physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. To include my sister. I loathed her husband so much that I ended up taking it out on her today. But I’ll get more into that later.
Is it because I’m the youngest that I see everything? My intentions were good from the start. Family became something I wanted to protect, something truly important in my life. I wanted everyone to be happy. I wanted nothing but happiness for everyone. I cherished every moment I get to have with each of my sisters. Because I rarely get to have that bonding that I’ve always wanted. Sure I may not show it to much but I have to admit I was the happiest whenever I had one on one with either of them. I guess its a way that I look up to them and get to understand them and what they been through and how they feel. Being the youngest getting to hang out with them was one of the best feelings ever. I didn’t feel left out like I usually do. It was a feeling like I had them to myself. Cause I never do. It really sucks. Because I could be myself to all my sisters except one. I feel like I have to be a different person. I feel like I can’t talk to her. I feel like I can’t joke around or have fun with that person, unless money was involved…
you know what I’ve been at this computer for almost four hours and I still can’t seem to express exactly what is going on.. I’ll just leave it here for now and possibly forget about what happened.